Too nice?

Being 'too nice' not nice

Nothing is nice about never opening yourself up to possible disagreement while others around you take that risk.

If you think about it, it's a form of manipulation, control and superiority. If you never speak your mind, then you get to retain an image of kindness when you might actually not be kind. A lot of people seem to confuse niceness with kindness.

I would ditch the "nice" label and instead think about what you are avoiding or hiding by not speaking your mind. Besides, speaking your mind isn't the opposite of nice. And avoiding conflict isn't about trying not to hurt other people, it's about trying not to have someone think negatively of you. You can have "conflict" without being a jerk.

Sad thing is, this is exactly how I've been feeling. I haven't been able to express myself because I've been too afraid of hurting someone on the way. Oh how you learn stuff in magazines.

Try.

"Every time I try hope whispers one more time, I think the reason we hold on to something so tight for so long is because you fear that something so great won't happen twice, when you're forced to stand alone you realize what you have in you, love is like war: easy to start, hard to end and impossible to forget, you have to take the good with the bad smile when you're sad, love what you have and remember what you had, laugh your heart out dance in the rain, cherish memories, ignore the pain, love and learn, forgive and forget because remember you only have one life to live."

Venting.

Why am I so confused about it? I'm confused about everything. It should be so easy to let go of something you never had and rekindle something you used to have. Why is it so damn hard right now!? I don't want her. I don't. The past is the past and I want to keep it that way. I miss her as a friend deeply. I think I gave us too much time. I blocked you out too long when all you wanted to do was care for me. Help me. I'm afraid all I did was hurt you. Hurt our friendship that we wanted to have. I never really gave you the chance because I was afraid you were gonna hurt me again. I put that wall up and never even tried to let it down. Seeing you yesterday made me realize that when we did have a relationship, I loved you. I loved you so much. People fuck up, make bad mistakes and learn from them. I looked at you and knew you were a changed person. I knew I should have given you another chance. I'm so sorry. Now, all I can do is hope to god that you at least want to be my friend. I know you're moving on like I wanted you to. I couldn't be happier for you. A part of me seeing you with your new almost girlfriend made me realize I have so many things I need to figure out. I want you now. I want you to be there for me. I know it's hard to ask for since I blocked you out when you were trying to be there for me, but please. I'm not begging for a friendship between us, it's more of a me wanting to be happy. I miss you.

Damn, I don't even know if I want a relationship. Things are so confusing lately and I don't want you to be the person that gets the short end of the stick. Its mutual though. You don't want one, I don't want one. Lately I've realized that friends is all we will ever be. It's sad but that's all I want from you. Maybe in a few months things will change but right now, I just want another friend to be there that I can talk to. I want a "best friend". I always thought I had one. I really did. I think I still do but things changed a lot. I've realized to have a friendship of any type it has to work both ways. You have to be willing to care for the other person and help them with there problems. It seems as if all my best friend has done lately is care about herself. All she wants to talk about is how she loves her girlfriend and all the drama they have. Keep in mind, I am always there for someone to talk to. I just wish you were there for me too. I get those one answer responses. It's so irritating.

I'm just figuring out who I am. That's all I am doing lately. Someone told me yesterday that wearing my heart on my sleeve was one of my best qualities. They also told me that I need to figure myself out before someone figures me out first. A different person said that I've realized who I am. Which is totally true. I used to be a bitch to everyoneee. Now, I can't stand not being nice to people. That's a big part of what I'm going through now. I question myself, am I too nice?

Uplifting.

"you are the only you
you are special
no matter how down you get on yourself
remember how unique and amazing you are
i mean... think about it
you are the only person on this planet
with your set of fingerprints

not sure who else thinks that's amazing...

but i think it's incredible!"

-Sunshine-

Truth is

I feel bad for accepting anything I got for Christmas.
Not the way my family is right now.
I'm so excited for everything I got.
I just ugh, I don't know.
Merry Christmas.

Some things I got:
- New Ipod
- $300
- Nikon Coolpix S60 Camera
- Wii
- Wii Fit
- Jeans
- 3 Jackets
- 3 Shirts
- Jewelry
- Dope ass wallet w/ Money
- Other stuff.

Epic Dart War

I just had to make a blog about this because I'm laughing SO damn hard.

So, Travis, Blake, Caitlin, Me and Travis' friend Kyle were playing nerf gun dart wars. Hella intense. 1 Team upstairs, 1 team downstairs and my sister and I were upstairs. Anyway, I was in my Moms doorway hiding from Travis and my sister is at the top of the stairs and is shooting Kyle. She goes to step back from getting hit by a dart, trips over herself, hella dramatically falls back and her gun slams into the wall and slides all the way down meanwhile she falls down and hurts her knee. She looks up at the wall and there is this big ass dent with orange paint from the gun and orange paint allllll the way down the wall. So, the smart people that we are, we went outside got the paint for the wall and painted over it. Now, Blake is threatening to tell on us. Little beitch. It's okay though, it was HILARIOUS. Oh, and Caitlin HELLA wripped a huge whole in her crotch of her sweats. Funniest thing everrr!

The Cab - I'll Run

I can see it in your eyes you're scared
All these things they force you to do aren't fair
I'm here to chase away these tears
And baby, we can chase away these fears

Because sometimes, baby, you fall on your back
But girl, you're three times a lady I'll ever have
You know, you know it's true
This is a fight I refuse to lose

And I'll run (And I'll run)
Have a little faith in me
You're scared and alone
And I'll run (And I'll run)
This is where we both break free
I'll bring you home, you home, you home

I can hear it in your voice, you care
Let me run my fingers through your hair
I'll keep you company at night
And baby, I'm here to make this right

Because sometimes, baby, you fall on your back
But girl, you're three times a lady I'll ever have
You know, you know it's true
This is a fight I refuse to lose

And I'll run (And I'll run)
Have a little faith in me
You're scared and alone
And I'll run (And I'll run)
This is where we both break free
I'll bring you home, you home, you home

Believe me, and don't think twice
And don't leave me or say goodbye
Believe me, believe me tonight

Believe me and don't think twice
Believe me

And I'll run,
Have a little faith in me,
You're scared and alone

And I'll run (And I'll run)
Have a little faith in me
You're scared and alone
And I'll run (And I'll run)
This is where we both break free
I'll bring you home, you home, you home

Have a little faith in me,
Have a little faith in me,
Have a little faith in me,
If you have a little faith in me

Love to live.

So I'm sitting here pondering my thoughts about these last couple of days. Finally, break time! Sick but ya know, whats new? Anyway, I've realized one thing in these last few days that has made me happier I guess you can say:

Gratefulness is the key to a happy life that we hold in our hands, because if we are not grateful, then no matter how much we have we will not be happy -- because we will always want to have something else or something more.

Keep that in mind.

Just Another Girl

10 things on my mind right now:

1 - College plans.
2 - Senior project.
3 - Christmas.
4 - How I'm slipping up in school. =/
5 - My happiness.
6 - This song I'm listening to.
7 - Break.
8 - How my bestfriend is currently my biggest frustration.
9 - How cold I am.
10 - You...

9 things people don't know about me:

1 - Life scares me. Im terrified of failure.
2 - I read post secret every sunday night. Well, I try.
3 - I hate being a twin.
4 - I go out of my way to make you happy.
5 - I love photography.
6 - I'm not myself around people that i don't know very well. I get very uncomfortable.
7 - I like sad music.
8 - I'm obsessed with electronics.
9 - It hurts my feelings when people insult me, even if I say that it doesn't.

8 ways to win my heart:
1 - Be honest.
2 - Learn to love me for me.
3 - Show me that I can trust you.
4 - Suprise me sometimes. I like suprises.
5 - Pay attention to the little things.
6 - Listen to me and respond.
7 - Call me babe :)
8 - Don't try to change me.

7 awesome movies (in no order...):
1 - Mean Girls
2 - The Lake house
3 - Love and Basketball; My favorite :)
4 - 10 Things I Hate About You
5 - Elf
6 - Home Alone
7 - A Christmas Story

6 things I do before I go to sleep:
1 - Brush my teeth.
2 - Say goodnight to people I'm talking to.
3 - Put up my away message on AIM.
4 - Close my computer
5 - Get warm.
6 - Say my prayers.

5 people I talked to on the phone in the past week:
1 - My mom.
2 - Daniel.
3 - Jaycee.
4 - Caitlin.
5 - Gina.

4 things I don't like:
1 - Waking up early.
2 - Not being able to have a family that takes me for who I am.
3 - Grades.
4 - Not having money.

3 things I do like:
1 - Music.
2 - Water Polo.
3 - Friends.

2 things to do before I die:
1 - Get married.
2 - Have kids.

1 confession...
All I want is to be happy; happy with someone who wants me.

Simple Thought

zoolndrlovr159 (10:08:04 PM): I love youuu

callMEcurtney1 (10:08:15 PM): love you too.

zoolndrlovr159 (10:09:14 PM): smile my love

callMEcurtney1 (10:10:35 PM): Nothing is even good right now.

zoolndrlovr159 (10:13:30 PM): im yur best friend

callMEcurtney1 (10:13:51 PM): you're the only good thing right now.

zoolndrlovr159 (10:14:04 PM): yaaay! haha

zoolndrlovr159 (10:14:11 PM): smiiiiiile!

callMEcurtney1 (10:14:27 PM): you're like thee reason why i smile :)

zoolndrlovr159 (10:14:52 PM): I look forward to seeing you everyday :)


I FUCKING love my bestfriend!

I want

I felt so out of it today. Forgot to do my homework for 2 out of 3 classes. Fell asleep in government. Zoned out in math the whole time. Hella productive in video productions, somehow. Now, all I wanna do is pass out and sleep. =/

Lately I've been hella thinking about what I want out of life... Who do I want to become? What do I want to do? Where do I want to go? Who do I want to be with? It's just so crazy that I have around 7 1/2 months left in Antioch before I move and go to college. I have not done nearly what I have always dreamt about doing. I wanna meet someone and fall madly in love with them. I would love to have someone who wants to be with me, not feels obligated to. I just wanna truly be happy. I want to not have to hold back how I feel. I wanna take a trip to Mexico with my best friend. I want to buy a car. I want to be known as an individual. I want to be appreciated for something. I want to make a movie and have it win an award. I want to make it to NCS in swimming. I want to be able to see anyone I want without having to explain myself. I want my mom to be understanding of who I am. I want my sister to stop treating me like a piece of shit on the ground. I want to notice that I'm being loved without having to be asked. I just want so much. Is that too much to ask for? Find me a person who will love me for who I am, not what I'm not.

Break? Please!

I need a break, gotta have a break!

These past 2 months have been so crazy. Busy with Winterball stuff, drama, relationships. I just need a break! Over all the drama; Save it for ya mama. Relationships only work if you want them to. Learned that. Winterball was AMAZING. Too bad I didn't go. Hella bummed about that. Decorations looked, mmm words can't explain. Friends looked hella cute in there dresses. Worked a total of 27 hours taking down and setting up the dance the past 2 days. FELL OFF THE BLEACHERS! Yes, I fell off. But, overall, I think that these past 2 months have showed me so much. It taught me that as much as you want something, it's not always going to work out that way. People change, feelings change and people move on. With or without you. Everyone is in my life for a reason. Whether I want them to be or not. In some way, people teach me the good and bad in life and prepare me for what's to come.

So, my grades are hella slippin. AGAIN. Failing 2 classes. I guess I have just been so overwhelmed with things lately that I just can't concentrate in any class. I'm sleeping most of the time because I get a negative amount of sleep every night. My Mom is threatening to not let me go to Santa Rosa, so I need to start working. I don't have any motivation to do anything now that water polo isn't going on. But, I gotta start. Starting afterrr Christmas break :)

Where,Why,How?

I'm tired of it all. I just want it to stop. I want the hatred to stop. I want the jealousy to stop. I just want peace. Yet, peace is way too far out of reach.
I tried to go through 1 week without you getting mad at me. I do everything I'm told. Yet, not good enough. Tonight, you ask me to go with you to get dinner. You are in the car with me for 20 minutes, all you asked me was "So, are you still, ya know?" Yes mom, I am! I change the subject.
I'm sitting in my room, doin god knows what. You come in and ask me to clean my room. So, I do. It's clean as can be. ONE thing isn't good enough. Caitlin makes a big deal outta everything. She starts yelling in my face, I get up and leave the room. Once again, it's my fault. So, you tell me to give you my phone, laptop, etc. I get pissed and retaliate by saying Caitlin always gets what she wants out of conversations. I end the conversation with "everyone is after me in this house because they don't like me." Damn, I have never seen you shoot up outta a chair as fast as you did. You get all up in my face and tell me to get the fuck out of your house and tell me to never come back. So, where do I go now?
I gotta do somethin.

Sorry...

I don't think this week has been my week. In fact, anybody's week. I feel like such a bitch lately, towards just about everyone. I always say the wrong things at the wrong time. I don't walk away when I should. I really don't know whats gotten into me. This blog is me saying I'm sorry to whomever I pissed off this week. It just aint my time to shine I guess. Sorry =/

Senses fail?

I just wanted to take a drive tonight. Just needed to take a drive & clear my head. Figure things out. I don't even know what I want anymore. I've lost my intent while pleasing everyone else. I really can't tell you where I want to be headed in life. Just one of those nights when you wish everything was in place, just how you wished it would be.

I want that one person who I can call up if I am having a bad day & know they will make it better. I want that one person who puts forth as much effort as I do. I just want someone who I can be happy with. Is that really too hard to ask for?

& I'm single, staying that way.

Karma is a Bitch

Story time.

So, this morning started off kinda weird. Sister was being a douche like usual. Apparently something went up her ass and didn't come back out. Anyway, we leave for school at the usual 8:15. We get to school, park in our normal parking spot; 2 sections, 4 rows back, left side, third parking spot in. She is sitting there, in the passenger seat reading her stupid government book. I'm listening to my music and stuff, out of nowhere she starts calling me shit. So, I flip the stupid ass lanyards hanging from our rear view mirror and then it almost hits her in her big ass shiny forehead. So, her reaction was to hit me hella hard. My feeling was fuck that, so I go to get my lanyard to get out of the car and her anger management lookin ass hits my hand away, yanks the lanyards, and BREAKS the stupid ass rear view mirror off of the ceiling. My reaction was to laugh histarically because I was like "did that really just happen?!". Of course, it did. Soo, we drive home, with no rear view mirror, just so I can fix it. She was hella rude the WHOLE time I was trying to fix it. Then, she still is over-reacting. We get back to school, jenky ass rear-view mirror and all. Story of my life.
Wait, it gets better. She lied to my parents about what happened. Told them it was MY fault. Oh the joys of having a sister who LOVES getting you in trouble. All I have to say is Karma is a bitch.
P.S. Don't laugh at me if you see me driving, holding my rear view mirror up. Greatly appreciated. :)

Nothing is ever "just" right

Wow. That just happened so fast. I'm like left speechless. Hurt is an understatement of how I'm feeling right now. Hurt is like how I felt when you would tell me to STFU. But now, totally new definition comes to mind. You break up because of ME. Dude, you guys were so solid. Like, thee cutest couple ever. Now, nothing. Nothing but "I hate her" "Stupid Bitch", all this stuff. Then I find out that we are supposed to be best fucking friends and you don't tell me shit. You don't want me knowing. Fuck that! I tell you everything. I keep secrets like its a life or death situation. I would put my life on the line for you, and you don't even have the courage to tell me shit. I might be over reacting, but I mean, seriously, WOW. Then, you really have the nerve to call my bestfriend a fucking slut. Oh shit. Bitch, YOU'RE the one on birth control. Don't even start me on that. Last time you called her a slut, shit hit the fan.

I hate how you think everything is good and shit, then BAM. You think you have a bestfriend who is upfront and tells you everything, then BAM. You wanna believe people end relationships because they stopped liking each other, then BAM. I thought I knew the meaning of a bestfriend, apparently, I don't. Which totally sucks. Sleeping on it. Tomorrow is a new day, shit doesn't go away, but it sure does settle. Fuck fake bitches, lame bitches, stupid bitches, and just bitches in general. Done.

1 Heart, 1 person

When I go somewhere, I would rather not have people stare at me because my twin sister is standing next to me. When I'm standing right next to her, having a conversation, don't walk up and ask if we're twins. I hate the fact that I'm not known as being and individual. You always have a "claim". My claim is apparently being "Caitlin's twin" or "The Twin". I mean, seriously, I wanna be an individual. For birthdays and shit, I get half of what my brother gets, because they look at us as 2 for 1 I guess. It pisses me off. I go to the store, the clerk person asks me "How does it feel to be a twin?" Well, I don't know how it feels NOT to have a twin, sooo I can't tell ya. This is just me venting about the fact I'm not known as being an individual. I'm not friends with someone because they don't like my sister. Blah blah blah. That's stupid bullshit. Ugh, alkjdlfkj. JUST KNOW ME FOR ME! I wish my mom paid me every time I got asked if I were a twin. I'd be a millionare.

Love is not love

Let me not to the marriage of true minds,
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove.
Oh no! It is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken.
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worths unknown, though his height be taken.
Love's not Times fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come.
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never write, nor no man ever loved.

Yooo, Bestfriend Status

So, I know this girl. Pretty fucking amazing girl in fact. Her name is Rachel Christine Fenton. I've known her since I was like 10. She knows everything about me. I trust her with my life. Dude, if I was dying I'd call her first. We've had our ups and downs, like every friendship has, but our ups are fucking skyhigh. I think we have way too many inside jokes. I mean, look at her face, shit, joke already. (JOKE) I love our serious talks that turn into a laughing session half the time. We stick together through everything. I would seriously be empty without this girl.
Summer, wow, summer. This last summer was so epic. So many things happened and we stuck together. Bestfriends forever, Mexican Lesbian Whore. :) We talked like non-stop everyday, except when you had stupid work. Where you met your only true lover, no competition no other. hahaha! Anywayyy I just wanted to make this blog about how happy I am for having a friend that will always be there for me, and who is gonna come party it up with me when I move into my apartment. LOVE YOU BESTFRIEND!
P.S. Bitch, we're going to Mexico as SOON as you graduate in 230498309823 days, youngin.

Rin on the Rox

They, are amazing.

Silence isn't so Golden

It's 12am and I finally choose to go to sleep. My head hits the crisp pillow and I fall asleep like a baby. Dreaming away, I get interrupted by an annoying vibration rolling through my veins at 1am. I open my eyes to see you're calling. Haven't talked to you in 3 weeks since I furiously left the sight of your beautiful eyes. "Damn, should I pick up? I guess, what do I have to lose." Those were my thoughts as my blood was pumping through my veins, nervous to answer the phone. "Hello?" "Hey babe, I miss you." Didn't know what to say. Took me by surprise. So, I just sat there, not knowing what to do. "What do you need?" "I need you..." ...No answer. You spilled your guts to be those 3 hours we talked. I miss you. No, I don't forgive you; I'll never forget it either. I love you, as a friend. That's all I ever see us being again, friends.
You make me feel different. Different from anyone else. Just wish you could have made better choices. =/