Venting.

Why am I so confused about it? I'm confused about everything. It should be so easy to let go of something you never had and rekindle something you used to have. Why is it so damn hard right now!? I don't want her. I don't. The past is the past and I want to keep it that way. I miss her as a friend deeply. I think I gave us too much time. I blocked you out too long when all you wanted to do was care for me. Help me. I'm afraid all I did was hurt you. Hurt our friendship that we wanted to have. I never really gave you the chance because I was afraid you were gonna hurt me again. I put that wall up and never even tried to let it down. Seeing you yesterday made me realize that when we did have a relationship, I loved you. I loved you so much. People fuck up, make bad mistakes and learn from them. I looked at you and knew you were a changed person. I knew I should have given you another chance. I'm so sorry. Now, all I can do is hope to god that you at least want to be my friend. I know you're moving on like I wanted you to. I couldn't be happier for you. A part of me seeing you with your new almost girlfriend made me realize I have so many things I need to figure out. I want you now. I want you to be there for me. I know it's hard to ask for since I blocked you out when you were trying to be there for me, but please. I'm not begging for a friendship between us, it's more of a me wanting to be happy. I miss you.

Damn, I don't even know if I want a relationship. Things are so confusing lately and I don't want you to be the person that gets the short end of the stick. Its mutual though. You don't want one, I don't want one. Lately I've realized that friends is all we will ever be. It's sad but that's all I want from you. Maybe in a few months things will change but right now, I just want another friend to be there that I can talk to. I want a "best friend". I always thought I had one. I really did. I think I still do but things changed a lot. I've realized to have a friendship of any type it has to work both ways. You have to be willing to care for the other person and help them with there problems. It seems as if all my best friend has done lately is care about herself. All she wants to talk about is how she loves her girlfriend and all the drama they have. Keep in mind, I am always there for someone to talk to. I just wish you were there for me too. I get those one answer responses. It's so irritating.

I'm just figuring out who I am. That's all I am doing lately. Someone told me yesterday that wearing my heart on my sleeve was one of my best qualities. They also told me that I need to figure myself out before someone figures me out first. A different person said that I've realized who I am. Which is totally true. I used to be a bitch to everyoneee. Now, I can't stand not being nice to people. That's a big part of what I'm going through now. I question myself, am I too nice?